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Text File | 1997-04-16 | 27KB | 675 lines

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** ******* *** ** *** *** *** ******* *** ***** *** *** *** *** ***** ***** ****** ** ****** ****** ****** **** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** *** ****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** *** **** **** ****** *** **** *** **** Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue013, (Volume III, Number 1). October, 1986. NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman <BRENT@MAINE> <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Strange, but not a stranger" -- David Byrne "Yes, we're gonna have a wing-ding." -- Donald Fagen ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WNUT presents... (various brassy chords and a few sparse timpanis thrown in for effect) ...the greatest thing to happen to journalism since "Real People"... NutWorks News ------------- With anchors, Vince Peters and Phyllis Frigid! All the sports action with Billy Snott! And weather girl Boopsie McBigones! And now, News Director Vince Peters: Vince: Good evening Nutty News watchers! We're coming to you as we do every month, live, from within the pages of NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine! Phyllis...? Phyllis: Thanks, Vince. Well, it's been a long summer... Vince: Never long enough, right Phyllis? Phyllis: Oh Vince, you are just *such* a card! A-hee-hee-hee-ahem... Anyway, we here at WNUT NutWorks News are just *so* glad to be back. Vince...? Vince: Yes we are Phyllis. But now, on with the news. Back issues of NutWorks can be retrieved from CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET and TCSSERVE@TCSVM.BITNET by any user who has the time and inclination to send an interactive message. For more details, send either server the msg: SENDME NUTWORKS INFO The publishers welcome requests for information in the form of electronic mail files. Phyllis...? Phyllis: Thanks Vince. You know folks, the first issue of NutWorks was written in January of 1985 to alleviate the boredom of an otherwise dreary winter. It was mailed to three or four of the author's friends, and it gave them something to do instead of their homework, or their *real* work, or whatever it was they were supposed to be doing. Well today, NutWorks is helping more people become lethargic and non-productive than ever! NutWorks is mailed directly each month to over 300 subscribers on four networks! Oooo... doesn't that just give you the warm fuzzies? Vince...? Vince: Thanks Phyllis. We'll be right back after this message from our sponsor. Sponsor: Ronco presents: The Monty Python Collection! Do these words mean anything to you? "Hello, I'd like to buy an argument..." Or how about, "Warning: Larks Vomit!" Or, "Call the Church Police!" Or, "Rule 7: NO POOFTAHS!" Or, "And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place..." Still clueless? To find out which Monty Python sketches these passages are from, order the Monty Python Collection today! You get 27 songs and sketches! Send no money now. Just send mail to Clarinet@Yalevmx.BITNET requesting your OWN copy of the Monty Python Collection. That's Clarinet@Yalevmx. Our operators are standing by. Order yours TODAY! (We're Beatrice) And now, back to NutWorks News. Phyllis: And here with the all the latest in sports action, Billy Snott. Billy...? Billy: Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Oooohhh... do that some more baby... Ohh.. Phyllis: Billy...? Billy: Ungh..snore.. slurp.. MMmmmmmmmmm ... that's soooooo niiiiiice... Phyllis: Vince? Vince: BILLY! WAKE UP! Billy: Oh Gawd! It's your husband, Phyllis! Quick! Get up! I'll hide the whipped cream, you hide the vice-grips! Phyllis? Phyllis!? Vince: Phyllis!?!?! Phyllis: Billy...? Billy: Boopsie...? Boopsie: Vince...? Vince: That's the news! We'll see you next month! (more brass and timpanis...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nuts & Bolts ============== by Brent C.J. Britton Aren't computers grand? Think about it. We make them do the most tedious, boring, mean, nasty ugly things, and they obey without question. Of course, if we don't correctly tell them what it is we want them to do, they won't always comply. They do whatever we SAY, but if we don't SAY what we WANT, we get frustrated and say things like "Why won't this thing work?" I guess that's what school is all about. We hang around this fairly neat place for a few years learning how to tell the computer what we WANT it to do. If we tell it right, we get an A. Then, we go out and become employed by a person who wants us to tell HIS computer what HE wants it to do. If we do THAT right, we get a Porsche. I know a person who is getting paid to do just that. Oh, I don't know him personally, mind you. But he knows me. And I'm damn sure that his boss's computer knows me. The wonderful thing about computers is that they perform the same tasks repetitively within a small period of time, and the computer belonging to the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweep- stakes people is certainly no exception. And it's looping... You see, during the past few months, the computer at the Publishers Clearinghouse has sent no less than TEN letters to me, really. And all of them contain forty or fifty personal references to me, in the form of what their computer *thinks* my name is. For the record, my name is Brent Cabot James Britton, almost always written by me as Brent C.J. Britton. Well some slick, young Joey Cobol down at the old Publishers Clearinghouse must've forgotten that *some* people aren't happy with merely *one* middle name. Fooled ya', smartass! The letters I get from their computer keep refering to this guy named Brent Cj Britton. ("j" is in lower case for you folks reading this on a C64 from your bathtub.) It's full of "You, Brent Cj Britton could be the lucky..." and "...the Brent Cj Britton bank account..." and "...a check in the name of Brent Cj Britton..." Don't they know that "Cj" doesn't even spell any- thing!? It's an insult. I'd probably just throw all the letters away if each one didn't scream the all too familiar claim that I "may already have won" eleventy-zillion dollars payable to me each year until I rot. What a bargain! And all I have to do is tear this off, paste the gold seal here, maybe save a few bucks on a subscription to "My Saviour" or "Barbie" magazine by tearing the stamps out of the middle of the three-foot by eight-foot sheet, stick those there, slap on a postage stamp, and lay the whole thing on Fred the mailman next time he comes 'round my front steps. It's a good thing they give me a generous amount of time to do all this. Of course, if I'm a big enough procrastinator, and I miss the deadline -- puppies become dogs sooner than that -- then I can only try for one-half my would-be winnings. Like, I'm going to say, "Gee, I could wait a month and go for the five million... hmm... oh, what the hell, you only live once right? I'm gonna be wild and crazy and go for it ALL by sending in my sweepstakes TODAY!" Then I might end up like last years winners, Floydd and Irma Freen of Scarsdale Minnesota! Gee... I could be... a millionairre... bcJb ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From the Bridge =============== Captains Log: Stardate: 861016 Commander Spock Reporting: Greetings and Hallucinations: As you may or may not have noticed, this the first issue for the Fall '86 term is a bit later than we would have liked it to be. Many of you have noticed that we were late because I have received lots of mail from you asking me if the greatest invention since toilet paper would be continuing on its nutty way this semester. For the answer to these and many other fascinating questions tune in tommorow. Same Nut Time. Same Nut station. Sorry, someone was talking about Batman comics while I was writing this. I am very happy to annouce that the magazine that you all have know to and goof off with will be around for this semester. One little problem I would like to adress is that currently we are short of contributions for future issues. We kind of feel like Nuts without a squirel. For those of you who may not know, NutWorks is more than just articles that Brent and I have written or dug up. NutWorks was conceived as being a magazine where all the Nuts on the net could share with the other Nuts on the net their nutty Works, hence the name NutWorks To share your very own nutty works with other nuts please send an original article in a plain brown wrapper (to sneak it past the liaisons) to either me or BRENT @ MAINE. HURRY AND SEND YOU ARTICLE TODAY !!! We reserve the right not to include any articles deemed in bad taste and will not return any unused articles. Some reflections on computer people: Computer people are morbid: Computer people work on TERMINALS. Computer people EXECUTE jobs. Computer people TERMINATE jobs. Computer People KILL jobs. Computer people get POST MORTEM (after death) DUMPS. Computer people never relax and let things take time: Computer people RUN jobs. Computer people HALT jobs. Computer people STOP jobs. lmf ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Debuggers song ================== (written by Ben (The Happy Hacker) Horowitz.) (TIGQC049 at CUNYVM) To be sung to the tune of "Ghostbusters" When VM goes crash! And your program's gone Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! When you're out of funds And no one's in Temp-1 Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug When your listing says "INCORRECT SYNTAX" Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! When you print it local But it goes to the VAX Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! Put fingers on keys Type "BUG" To call... DEBUGGERS! I ain't afraid of no bug I hear it likes hackers I ain't afraid of no bug YEAH,YEAH,YEAH,YEAH! Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! You have bugs brother Freakin' bugs baby You better call... DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWWW! Let me tell you something DEBUGGING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug Don't debug alone, oh no You better call... DEBUGGERS! When it comes through VM Unless you want to see it again I think you better call... DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWW! Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! Who you gonna call... DEBUGGERS! LOUDER... DEBUGGERS! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The plate. ========= In the U.S. it is possible to buy a 7-character "personalized" license plate describing the car or the owner. To apply, one must list 3 choices in order of preference. If one's first choice has already been assigned to another driver, one gets one's second choice, etc. These facts and a computer system made the following possible: Mr. X wanted a new plate. He got the form and filled in his first two preferences. If these two possibilities had already been assigned to someone else, Mr. X didn't want a personalized plate at all, so for his third choice he wrote "NOPLATE". He got "NOPLATE" as his new personalized plate. At first he got mad, but he mounted it on his car anyway. Within a week he had received offers for over 100 dollars for this ingenius plate, and he began to grow partial to it. In fact, he liked it. His feelings changed by the end of the month, however, because by then Mr. X had recieved nearly a hundred parking tickets. Why? Well, any time a police officer spots a car missing a licence plate, he or she will write "NOPLATE" on the ticket/citation. The computer matched every single one of these with... Mr. X. The computer program couldn't be changed, but the ways of the parking guards could. So don't *EVER* order the custom plate: "NONE". (It would make you Mr. X the second) Niels Kristian Jensen <C838216@NEUVM1> & bcjb ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (This just dropped onto my desk from a wormhole in from the Space-Time-Spam Continuum -- Ed.) Cray-7 User's Guide July 30, 1996 =================== Congratulations on your purchase of the fabulous new Cray-7 computer. With proper care your new computer can give you many years of useful work and play. Just follow these simple guide- lines and all will be well. 1. The new tachyonics-based CPU can be dangerous to unshielded organisms. Always remember to keep clear of the tachyon chamber when the power is on. Tachyon radiation can be hazardous to your age. 2. As with all sensitive equipment, keep water and moisture out of the CPU and peripheral equipment. 3. Whenever the CPU is in compute mode, stay at least seven feet outside the shield walls. When computing, the CPU uses computrons at a rate hithertofore unknown to Man. This causes a "computron vacuum" in the immediate vicinity. Thus the CPU may suck up the informational content of your DNA should you stray too close. 4. Due to the local up-grade of the speed of light around the Cray-7's Virtually Infinite Associative Memory (VIAM), it is imperative that the computer be kept in a dark room. Strong light will crash the system, and can do irreparable harm to the hardware. 5. Never put on the High-speed Analog Bionic Interface (HSABI) until the system has completed its automatic check-out sequence. When the Omniscience option is present, this can cause a positive Zen feedback, resulting in total psyche burnout. It should be avoided, except for an advanced soul under guidance. 6. And above all, never, never feed the Cray-7 after midnight. Author: Brian Utterback Submitter: Roger Murray <cepu!ucla-an!remsit!rem@LOCUS.UCLA.EDU> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape ======== Dear Senator Goldblatt, My friend Toivo Macki, over in Kingston County, received a $1,000 check from the Government for not raising hogs. I am now contemplating going into the lucrative "Not Raising Hogs" business next year. What I want to know is --in your opinion-- what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on? And what are the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise any Durocs or Berkshires. The hardest work in this business is going to be in keeping an inventory on just how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend Toivo is very joyful about the future of this business. He has been raising hogs for more than 62 years and the most he ever made was $400 in 1918, until this year, when he got a check for $1000 for Not Raising Hogs. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, then will I also get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs, which means I will have $80,000 for not raising hogs. Then maybe I can afford food, a house, or maybe even a boat! Now another thing, these hogs that I will Not Raise will Not Eat 100,000 bushels of corn. So, can I be paid for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn to Not Feed the hogs i am Not Going to Raise? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year for Not Raising Hogs. Very Truly Yours, John Brown P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side while I am in the Not Raising Hogs business, just enough to get a few sides of bacon to eat? Larry McPhillips <OTHELLO@UMUC> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (The following appeared in the September 1986 issue of "SIGPLAN Notices" (Volume 21, number 9) -- bcjb.) Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy ========================================== Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 With such a large selection of programming languages, it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time-consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles: Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain. FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car. Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals. Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it. LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles. FORTH - A go-cart. LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek. Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- And now some help with commonly used... COMPUTER LINGO ============== (by A4422DAE at AWIUNI11) 6502 The year you will pay off your computer... BASIC A programming language used to generate errors. CPU C3PO's mother CRASH Normal termination of a program CASSETTE DRIVE Used as paper weight after buying a floppy disk drive. EPROM Acronym for "Exit Program, Read Owners Manual". DIM ARRAY Stupid storage GOSUB Very fast U-Boat GIGO "Garbage in, Garbage out", Normal result of computer programs INPUT Statement that refuses all entries KEYBOARD Random arrangement of letters LED Long Expected Defect MAGAZINE PROGRAM Typesetters error trap NULL STRING Normal result of a seven hour sort. PROGRAMMER Knows the location of the on/off switch RESET Another way to terminate a four hour sort RS232 R2D2's father SUBROUTINE Section of a program that cannot be accessed TERMINAL Mental state of most programmers WAIT WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO DO ??????????? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- George Takes up Golf ==================== My wife said to me, "George, it's about time you learned to play golf. You know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the county when you're too old to chase women." So I went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda' hard to find". "Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee off." "What's 'tee off"?" I asked. He said, "It's a golf term, and we have to 'tee off' in front of the club house." "Not for me, you can 'tee off' there if you want to, but I'll 'tee off' behind the barn somewhere." "No no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." I said, "Yes, I've got one of those". "Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and stick your ball on top of it". I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do!" he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee". Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far, and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure!" I said. He asked, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to!" He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I had the old fashioned type". Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, I told him that after fifty years I should have *some* sort of an idea! He said, "You take your club in both hands". (Folks, I knew right then and there that he didn't know what he was talking about.) Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder!" "No no, that's not me," I said, "that's my brother you're talking about". He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" I said, "In two fingers." He said that wasn't right and got behind me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing! He said, "You hit the ball with your club, and it will soar and soar". I said I could well imagine! Then he said, "And when you're on the green..." "What's a green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is," he said. "Sure you're not color blind?" I asked. "No!" he said. "Then you take your putter..." "What's a putter?" I asked. He said that was the smallest club made. "Well then," I said, "that's what I've got, a putter!" "...and with it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole". "You mean the putter." I corrected. He said, "The ball! The hole isn't big enough for the putter. Then after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen." He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean", he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?" "Hell no," I says, "it takes me eighteen days to make *one* hole! Besides, how do I know when I'm at the eighteenth hole?" He said, "The flag will say so." That would be just my luck, so I said to HELL with golf. Dave Crowley ---------------------------------------------------------------------- An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three wishes she wants. "Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman. "Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of them "Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than she she had ever imagined possible. With a smile that makes her kness weak, he then saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" lmf ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Issue 013, (Volume III, Number 2). October, 1986.